Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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