The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he fucked my hip out of place.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
