just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
