no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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