Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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