I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
