we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
