Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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