Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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