You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
