I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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