some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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