Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
