Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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