I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
