i was born a porn star she said
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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