College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
