I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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