i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
