I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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