Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
