Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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