Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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