Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
