I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
