Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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