Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
