Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
