She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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