Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
