I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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