A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
