he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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