nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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