4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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