Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's rum buckets o'clock
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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