My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we have officially lost it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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