Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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