apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
