I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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