here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
