trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
