The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
