I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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