In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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