i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My dick has a subreddit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize