Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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