too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
