your room smells of hookers.
And success
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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