you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
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