I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
