There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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